MASKED...!

Afterall, it’s the very hide-it-all attitude that carried him so far. From the times immemorial he has punctuated with people who never-ever shared his interests. He respected for old, loved the young, and smiled for his likes. But today a certain set of not so popular words caught his sight. It is a story, real and not so reel, of a young but old boy who caught in his confusion turned his life upside down until today. I hope you are reading still and might want to question about the use of so many contradictions and but(s). To give a clearer picture, lets move along his life.

Sitting near the edge of a weird triangular table, dawning 35 years old him sipped tea from his coffee. He had asked his wife to get him some coffee, never mind!, she excused herself with only tea available kind of something. Weird, hush, interesting triangular table sat cross legged mocking him loud in his face. It was another of those high priced, good for nothing goods he had made himself used to. His wife loved the society they habituated, and he loathed it with equal intensity. His emotions and words travelled parellel to his wife’s with the speed of light, no doubt one heading south and the other aiming north. But airing such wisp of notions was surely macabre of his debonair outlook.


When he was young he asked his mother once, whether he was born to lead or follow. “Not born, made!”, she inspired him to lead but with traditional permutations and combinations.
He wanted to attend theater, he was forced to operas. He liked kebabs, but managed with garden salad.
His mind turned into a small closet, with no private or public keys, just an inner hole that bore deep in his heart. He tried but failed to walk his mind.
And still, no appreciation. He looked up to every body’s need but him..!
I read in a book (hearty thanks to one of my co-writers here), “a man who lugs up the hill only to learn that its full of rocks”, surely makes an applauded entry here.

Tending to darkness his life, he was forced to tend only white. No matter what he thought, he followed the people’s word around. Weighed people’s opinion more than his own.
Last night, even his love for a child collapsed all virtual tents when his wife talked hours of family planning.

Standing up from the mist of yesterday’s fight, he remembered the need to dress. He picked up a newspaper on his way to busy his journey and continued walking. The rage already setting in. Probably he was made to settle with everything but his long desire of a child being washed with bitter detergent, filled him with rage. He read, “a 50 year old killed his wife on their 25th anniversary”.
The doors of metro opened and closed, but now those fraction of seconds meant a whole new thoughtful world.
He entered and smiled.
At last I thought, finally this can be his last session!

Narrating the last night’s incident, a courage fight, thanks to me. A mischievous smile comes to his face, “Doc”, he said. “ I am going to kill”. I got up from my chair, walked to the window, and suddenly I realized he talked of killing. My sudden turn, made him shift. Clearing my doubts, he told me, “he is going to kill what people think, what people think they know and what they think I am ought to make out of myself”. I was moved, that what I thought – a changed man, confident of his being. His cheeks glowed of his newly discovered confidence, my chest aired of proud. No more cockcrows, no more rancor; just a changed man, fully confident of his being! No more it was about the parenthood he wanted, no more it was about the unnecessary triangular tables, I was amazed how could just a short death of one’s deepest desire could actually change people’s lives and absolutely trigger the very thought I could not manage in six months. But finally, he was a new man dreaming high and ready to work for his dreams, and thats what I thought – a changed man, confident of his being!

I had seen so many patients and all proved the same thing, nothing more than a small incident coupled their life with emotions, desire, and the strength to fulfill these. My sessions were simply a back end driving force. He walked out, and before leaving asked me for a final appointment. He wished to narrate his new life as a life.

My excitement took a leap, as the time neared. He was standing on the door with a new self. He entered and took his seat, not the usual couch where he laid talking all about his life. He took a seat in front of my desk. “I watched three theatres in a row and got home late”, he said. He wrote his new project and left his job. Absolutely new, thats what I thought- a changed man, confident of his being. Not just this, he managed an outdoor late night party with his friends. And of course they too were amazed by his outward self. On and on he went about his stories full of life. Deep into the satisfaction of another cured patient, a changed man I thought, confident of his being, I realized that he suddenly shifted the course of his conversation. Huh? It involved me. Thats what I thought – a changed man, confident of his being, until this moment, when he had come down to my cabin for his last scheduled psychotherapy treatment- he said he has fallen for me. Alas! Still a followed man!

closed

Past is all forgotten and unsaid,
Wounds are far healed and cared,
shadows no more, form around in circles
but a tear that trickles down can’t be etched
from the gallows of memories and wisp of efforts
when you break the hardest out and breathe
that tear melts down and happens to pass by
time and over again
from ages and long months gone
there is reminiscence of things that were
yet so real, yet so reel
I have lived so far and died quite few
looking out and in if you ask me so
solids melt but this wont
a mark not cleaned and so warm
tomorrow’s ocular and yet unknown
it must have been some black hole
that gravities by
washes me away to universe not seen
I will love again and yet I won’t
I am sad but happy as well
those tons of baggies undelivered
I’m walking on the destiny path
leaving my footprints and your marks apart
but here is the question I make
not to you but my own self
why do you walk those broken paths again
make me wonder and stand again
hair stand up and eyes blur out
eyes tear and ears fume alike
I’m not wrong and neither you were
what was the problem in the end
no wonder, no contemporary thoughts
no seldom looking for you in beaches
lastly no goodbyes, no blessings
just simple wish erase that you happened

abstract

It’s a tougher day, it’s a longer night
there are so many worldly frights
screwed up so am I,
so is whole of the world out
I want to scream out and freak more
shout at the top of my voice and your head
apologies I make apologies I break
anymore I wish I could take
leave me alone for some time atleast
im a free bird and a free soul
let me fly and feel the freedom
Freedom,,,,

demolition

a coffee in the bed
a fight for the said
things that are long done
until realisation of the shade
its a beautiful day
so will the life always remain
aomprehension is long dead
the light of room dim, upset
a hope for courage
a strength for life
breach the borders
and kill the incoherence
confusion still alive
sharp edges of road get indside
fright, bite and the dull night
seek the trust
kerfuffle and some dust
sounds the horn some ditance away
a hedphone rest in an ear
guard the walls
and look into the eyes
innocence cant bring you back right
heavy duty tax on actions
solace nowhere for wt so cooked
shackle me not, break me nowhere
take me some distant ..far away..

fight

a fight to dissolve,
a fight to believe,
a fight to dream,
a fight to expect,
a fight to seek,
a fight to ease,
a fight to care,
a fight to appreciate,
a fight to achieve,
a fight to make space,
a fight of this,
a fight of that,
a fight to fight more,
a fight to fight,
still something more to say..
a never ending prideful fight..